Much Better than that Chris Klein/LL Cool J Vehicle

A couple of weeks ago Diana and I were walking the dog in the Upper Haight neighborhood and noticed a poster in the window for an upcoming roller derby match pitting The Bay City Bombers vs. The Brooklyn Red Devils. Knowing that our friends back in MN had attended roller derby in the past and had become devoted enthusiasts, we figured we had to give it a whirl. Thus, we attended our first Bay City Bombers (I thought it would be way cooler if they were nicknamed the Rollers instead, trademark laws be damned) on S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y, Night!

We met up with our group at the Kezar pub across the street from the Kezar Pavilion where the match was taking place. Unfortunately, numerous others had decided to meet their groups of friends there as well, which resulted in the worst service I have ever had at a restaurant. Eight of us ordered food right away, but only six meals ever came. They even had the gall to try and tack on the gratuity at the end. Blech.

After that rocky start, I was concerned for the rest of the evening, but those fears were unwarranted. The pavilion looked like something straight out of the 70’s with an overall feeling of beige. You could just imagine this place being a sweaty, smoky haze housing all sorts of events as varied as Donkey Basketball, Professional Wrestling and Flower Shows back then.We took our seats in the upper corner of the pavilion and watched the events unfold before us.

I vaguely knew the rules to roller derby due to my viewing habits as a youth, but couldn’t exactly figure out what was going on, so after the 2nd of 8 periods I sprang the $5 for a program so I could better understand the action. It basically boiled down to this: There are five rollers on the track at one time for each team. Two rollers for each team were the Jammers, who were signified by the x’s on their helmets. A point was scored for each time the Jammers would pass someone from the opposing team (essentially lapping that team member) once a jam was signaled from the referees. Physical contact is allowed to avoid being passed. Repeat for eight, ten-minute periods, with each period alternating between the men’s and women’s sides of the team.

What it really turned out to be was choreographed pro-wrestling on wheels and a banked track. Often someone from the Bombers would be elbowed and fall straight to the ground in overwhelming agony, only to have the manager of the opposing team stalk over and stomp them when the ref wasn’t looking, much to the chagrin of the home crowd. Especially vocal were the hordes of children and two older, perm-mullet coifed ladies who I could only assume were former rollers themselves.

We saw numerous rollers from both sides go up and over the rails, crashing hard to the floor. We saw many a pier six brawl, many a donny-brook, many a fisticuff. Basically, a ton of fake fights when frustrations bubbled to the surface. Our entire group of about 15 people were having a blast howling along and screaming at the villainous Red Devils, except for two people in our group from NY who were cheering the squad from Brooklyn, the traitors.

Two fan favorites quickly emerged among our friends. The first was a delightfully cute little roller named Rose Sylvia. She had the whole alterna-chick look working for her, and even when she wasn’t on the track, many in our group kept their eyes out for her. She was a hottie.

The second was the team captain on the men’s side, number 38, Maverick. He only goes by one name like Madonna or Cher, and certainly knew his way around the track, not to mention a buffet table. We had nicknamed him Crisco before we found out his name in the program. Crisco executed a couple of crowd-pleasing moves, including giving a Superfly Snuka belly splash on a downed opponent, and basically a rolling butt-drop on another.

With the score 57-52 going into the last jam, the Rollers thwarted the Red Devils last second attempt to pull the score even. The mustachioed villain for the Brooklyn crew ended up getting thrown out over the top of the rail, then one of our nimble heroes jumped up on the rail, skates on and all, and leapt down on him to finish him off. We cheered like mad and all declared it was most likely the best $10 we had ever spent.

Final Score: Bombers 57, Red Devils 54.