Good God, This is Going to be Awful

I arrived home last week to find a package from someplace in the state of Washington. My friend Doug just moved there to take a Professor job, but the name on the package said “Arthur Blumpkins”, or something of that ilk. Not knowing a Mr. Blumpkins, I was curious as to what was inside.

I tear open the package and find a catalog, a travel pack of facial tissue with a Hula Girl on it, and two boxes of mints. The mints, however, are Uncle Oinker’s Savory Bacon Mints. I check out the delivery paper and in the comments it simply states, “Mmm, Bacon”. Immediately, I knew this was my X-mas present from Ken.

I am now going to attempt to taste these mints, and give you my running commentary as I go. Ugh.

The 0.7 oz metal tin is adorned with whom I can only assume is Uncle Oinker himself. He looks slightly surprised, and is wearing a 50’s style fishing hat. Looks pretty good for a pig.

The backside of the tin has some delicious looking bacon in the background. Let’s see here, the Ingredient Statement is as follows: DEXTROSE, CORN SYRUP, MAGNESIUM STEARATE, BACON & MINT FLAVORS, ACESULFAME POTASSIUM, MALTODEXTRIN. This is apparently made in China, which makes sense, I suppose. I can also call a number to get the Nutritional Information. I’d rather not.

I am tearing off the protective plastic wrap. Ahhhh! An odor of bacon-like substance has permeated the room. It sort of smells like the fetal pigs we dissected in Biology class. I don’t see formaldehyde on the ingredient list. This is not going to be good.

I’m having a hard time opening this. It appears that there is a fine film of bacon grease on the tin. It’s either that or my body is going into self-defense mode and making me sweat through my fingers so as to not be able to open the tin and consume what is inside.

OK, got it open. It’s full of about 50 little white “mints”. The smell is getting worse.

ARRRRGH! It started off minty, but now is giving a pervasive rancid bacon flavor mixed with peppermint. This is terrible. I really think that Magnesium Stearate is a secret code word for formaldehyde. What the hell am I gonna do with two boxes of these things?

Do I dare chew it? I don’t want to have it in my mouth much longer, but will chewing it make it worse? I’m so conflicted.

Oh dear God! I shouldn’t have chewed it. Now I have formaldehyde powder stuck in my teeth.

I just downed half a bottle of Grain Belt to see if it helped. It didn’t.

Josie is whining. Maybe I should see if she wants one.

She spit it out at first, but now she is smelling around looking for more. Maybe they’ll be a doggie version of after-dinner mints.

Damn it! I just belched and it tasted like them. This is going to be a long night.

I feel as if I’m losing vision in my right eye. I better go seek medical treatment.

Thanks for the gift Ken.